Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is an acute condition that affects people throughout their lives. Narcissism can impact all areas of one’s life, including work, relationships and self-development. Personality disorders such as this one can be challenging to treat. The challenge is more difficult when people do not acknowledge that they have a problem. That being said, with intention, effort and commitment, it is possible for narcissists to change.
If you are wondering what does a narcissist want from a relationship, it will help to first understand what narcissistic personality disorder is. NPD is a complex condition characterized by grandiose behaviours, an overinflated ego and little empathy for others. Like all other mental health issues, personality disorders too lie on a spectrum. Therefore, for milder cases, change may come easier.
Narcissists may want to change their behaviour when they are in a new relationship. If they have insight into their own patterns, they may attempt to intentionally change how they act or react. That being said, it’s important to keep in mind that in a narcissist relationship, a narcissist will often manipulate their partner to get what they want. It’s easy to promise something but without action, words are deemed meaningless. Genuine, sustainable change requires effort, personal accountability and openness to feedback. If a narcissist does not display those traits, it is a red flag.
How to Tell if a Narcissist is Willing to Change?
It’s difficult to aptly gauge if someone really wants to change because personality disorders are so insidious. A narcissist might promise to change if they feel threatened by your leaving or they might feebly try to change to lure you back in. That is why being mindful of abuse in a narcissist relationship is paramount for your wellbeing.
Here are six ways in which you can tell whether or not a narcissist is open to change:
1. They take personal accountability
Narcissists are known to avoid ownership of anything that may portray them in a negative light. They might rationalize, downplay or completely lie about their behaviour. So it is a good sign if they assume personal accountability for their decisions. Personal accountability requires some amount of humility and vulnerability. After all, when someone takes ownership of a situation, they tell others and themselves that they realize they made a mistake. If a narcissist can consistently do this, it means they are really trying to practice humility.
2. They hear your feedback
It is challenging for most people to give and receive feedback. All of us want to be liked by others and it is natural to worry about rejection or coming across as extra harsh. That being said, narcissists are known to overreact to real or perceived negative feedback. As a result, they may become violent, passive-aggressive, verbally abusive or completely withdrawn. They may even try to tarnish your reputation in order to seek revenge. So if they really hear your feedback without getting defensive, that’s a good sign. It shows that they are displaying an openness to whatever you have to say. Instead of automatically assuming they know what’s best, they are trying to value your input even if that isn’t the most comfortable feeling for them.
3. They pay attention to you
When you want to build a connection with others, you listen actively. But narcissists tend to have one-sided relationships with people who prioritize, value and affirm their needs. So change can happen only when they shift away from feeling like they are the center of the world. This begins with taking a genuine interest in other people’s lives, avoiding judgement and asking thoughtful questions. If you notice this kind of effort, you can expect change.
4. They try to regulate their emotions
Most narcissists react to shame or stress with emotional outbursts. They may cry, shout, demand or become hostile to gain attention and secure their needs. Some may even engage in self-destructive behaviour like using substances or harming themselves. Therefore, those who want to heal from narcissism usually have to resort to stress management methods. If you notice more tolerance or mindfulness for uncomfortable emotions, that is a positive sign. It means the narcissist is trying to become more accepting of what’s going on and less reactive to their feelings.
5. They authentically apologize if they slip into old behaviour
Relapse is common for those who have mental health issues. Changes in routine, stress and the surfacing of other mental health conditions can trigger such regressions. However, narcissists who want to change have insight into their own patterns and can easily recognize if they are slipping into old behaviour. This will lead them to quickly apologizing for their mistakes and trying to correct their misconduct. It is important that these apologies are unprompted and genuine.
6. They are consistent
Above everything else, consistency is key. It is not sufficient if they try to be a good friend, partner or parent for a short period of time. You need to see their long-term effort for progression and growth. If you have been hurt in a narcissist relationship, they will know they need to earn back your trust so they won’t rush you or become impatient if you are being cautious or taking your time.
Is There a Treatment for Narcissistic Behaviour?
Professional treatment can make a huge difference to those with NPD. While there is little research on the best therapeutic models, some studies have shown the benefits of schema therapy, transference-focused therapy and metacognitive interpersonal therapy. It can help to start by looking through a trusted directory for therapists. It can be challenging to find the right therapist but remember that the best professional will want you to live a happy, fulfilling life.
How to Support Someone During Treatment?
Dealing with a narcissist can be challenging for near and dear ones. Treatment can be successful but it’s equally important to set realistic expectations. Change doesn’t occur overnight and even the right therapist will not be able to guarantee specific outcomes. This is why it is crucial to practice self-compassion and self-care during treatment.
Here are six ways in which you can support a narcissist while they are undergoing treatment:
1. Get yourself therapy
Even if you think you are the victim in your narcissistic relationship, realize that you play an important role in the dynamic. Therapy will be able to help you recognize your need for boundaries. It will guide you towards self-care and give you insight into the abuse you’ve dealt with.
2. Avoid enabling
Even when a narcissist is seeking help, you must avoid enabling all toxic behaviour that they continue to engage in. Get familiar with the ways in which you can disarm them when they start behaving in a narcissistic manner.
3. Listen to their fears
Change is hard for everyone. When a narcissist opens up and wants to share the challenges they are facing during treatment, you must be supportive. Tell them that you believe in their growth and encourage them to take their steps in the right direction.
4. Acknowledge progress
Pay attention to proactive change. You must acknowledge even the smallest steps they take towards improving themselves and highlight positive actions on their part. Even if not immediately, over time this kind of reinforcement will encourage them to implement healthy behaviour.
5. Express your concerns
If and when you see a regression in their behaviour, encourage them to take it up in therapy. Share your concern and make it known that you want them to address it – with or without the help of a therapist.
6. Identify your non-negotiables
You don’t owe it to anyone to stay in a narcissist relationship. If you constantly feel afraid, unhappy or resentful, listen to your feelings. Even if a narcissist is making strides to change, you have every right to walk away when necessary.
Conclusion
Change is never easy, especially when it comes to those who are dealing with personality disorders. But know that if someone has the willingness, insight and receptiveness for growth, recovery is just around the corner.
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