So, you’ve just fallen in love. The very air around you seems soaked in romance, the unbearable summer heat suddenly feels like a cool breeze, the world around you is happy and you are wearing rose-tinted glasses.
There’s nothing that could go wrong, you think. Every look, every touch is filled with joy and chemistry. You were made for each other.
Little in the world is better than the feeling of love.
It’s the feeling that pushes you to be the best version of yourself. All of a sudden, you find yourself putting your best foot forward. Your every gesture and action screams care and affection. All you want is for your partner to be happy.
It’s you and her against the world. It’s you and him for life. Your bond feels unbreakable, entwined through lifetimes of togetherness.
So, what happens a few years down the line?
The newness in the relationship has worn off. You are familiar with your partner’s idiosyncrasies now. You know he always snores when he’s tired, she showers before brushing, he reads the morning paper in the evening and she always takes the trash out before it’s full.
Sometimes, cute. Sometimes, plain irritating.
You are used to each other now.
You know everything there is to know about understanding relationships, you think. If you really do, what goes wrong then? Why the constant snapping at each other or the running thread of exasperation through many of your conversations?
There’s something missing in the understanding, perhaps.
I witnessed my friend get married three years ago to the love of her life. She was delirious with happiness, and swore up and down that she’d remain that way for the rest of her life.
Cut to a few months ago.
“I swear, I can’t understand what my husband is saying! Sometimes, he’s impossible to deal with. I’ve the baby and an important call this afternoon. How am I to go visit his mum, on top of that?!”
Her frustrated voice sounded down the line and I listened silently. It seemed her swearing was of a different kind these days.
Let me pause to say though that there’s nothing wrong with feeling frustrated at your partner. It’s the most natural thing in the world, in fact. Someone you love deeply doesn’t seem to understand what you are feeling. Of course, you’re going to be frustrated!
What I found missing in her scenario though was something vital: communication.
In all the hullabaloo of the day, she had forgotten to let her husband know that she had an important work call. Her husband, assuming she was free for the day, had requested her to visit his sick mother along with the baby.
“Why should I tell him? He obviously knows I’m working today! He should understand on his own.”
Should. One of the most pressure-filled words in the English language, if you ask me. It carries the burden of a billion unmet expectations.
And that’s where the first breakdown of a relationship starts to happen – assuming that your partner knows what’s going on in your mind and acting accordingly.
They aren’t the Jedi from Star Wars. They’re just your unfortunate spouse.
To cut a long story short, here are the four fundamentals of love that I have found are non-negotiable in relationships:
1. Communication: If you aren’t prepared to communicate, be prepared to walk the long, treacherous route to the end of your relationship.
2. Little actions: Push that work call. That friend of hers you can’t stand? Attend her birthday party. Wash the dishes. Simply cuddle. These little actions literally make up your relationship.
3. Listen: Make them feel seen. Listen, listen, listen. And listen some more. Actually hear what your partner is saying. Acknowledge their point of view.
4. Do things together: Whether it’s exploring a new activity like dance or playing Scrabble, you create new memories when you have fun.
That’s the secret of relationship longevity, by the way: laughing together.
I found four more beautiful pillars of love that you may find interesting.
And the next time you find yourself wanting to yell at your partner, remember: you have found each other in the craziness that is this world. The two of you have made your way to each other through the billions of people roaming this planet.
That’s no coincidence. It’s a love story written in the stars.
It’s upto you to make it work on Earth 😊
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