Self-Doubt: How to Stop Comparing Yourself to Others

I read a story recently.

A young woman from Kerala, Shalini, has been recently divorced. Tortured by her in-laws and husband for dowry and the colour of her skin, she bore it silently for months until her mother found out and brought her back home.

Shalini is dark-skinned. And she’d spent most of her life defining herself by the comments she heard about it. The foremost on the list was how nobody would marry her because she wasn’t “fair”.

She believed them.

When another young man falls in love with her, he claims it is for who she is – her laughter, her pure heart and her duskiness which reminds him of Goddess Parvati.

And she refuses to believe him.

That’s the power of self-doubt: it can crumble to dust, every ounce of self-respect and care one feels for oneself. We feel unworthy, small and useless.

And the kicker is that the seed of self-doubt is comparison.

Can you imagine living a life like that?

I’m sure you can because most of us have experienced this intensely. When we are besieged by self-doubt, we believe we are wholly unlovable. Anything nice anyone says about us falls on deaf ears. It is met with cynicism, snark and even disdain because hey, we aren’t as talented as this person or as beautiful as that person.

I don’t know yet what happens with Shalini and her young man. It is one of those rom-com happily-ever-after books though, so the ending is obvious. But I’m yet to read the obstacles that they will have to overcome before they reach that highly sought-after destination.

Here’s the thing – learning how to overcome self-doubt is not easy. But when we determine that we are going to do it and stick to it, its rewards are huge.

They are, in fact, life-changing.

Ask me, I know. Do you know what worked for me?

1. The Willingness to Believe:

 For years, I hated the sight of myself in a mirror. I couldn’t meet myself in the eye and all the photos I posed during that period have me standing awkwardly, grimacing at the camera.

My life didn’t turn around because something miraculous descended from the sky and made me see how lovable and beautiful I am. It began to turn around when I decided that I’d like to believe that I am.

It was a decision I had to remind myself of, over and over, every time the deriding voice in me raised its head. And over time, the decision became a belief.

 Today, the belief is my truth. I am beautiful. I am lovable. I am an amazing human being, doing my best every day. And it shows.

2. Affirmations:

 Once I decided to believe that I was a good and kind person, I needed something external to keep me motivated. Affirmations are one of God’s greatest gifts to mankind.

Every day, for a long while, I wrote out a long list of affirmations every night. Here are a few from the list:

•  I am complete in myself.

• The Universe loves me

• I am always supported and loved.

• I am beautiful.

• I have gorgeous, silky, shiny, strong hair.

• I am perfect as I am.

Perhaps these statements may sound pompous to someone reading it with no context. But to someone struggling with low self-worth, these words are life-giving. They instill in its writer a sense of hope; they show a ray of light from a different life – a life where they are confident, secure and comfortable in themselves.

It’s all any of us want, to be happy and content in ourselves.

3. Therapy:

While I was willing to believe in myself and the affirmations aided that belief, it wasn’t enough. True worthiness doesn’t set in until we let go of the trauma that holds us back from seeing ourselves for who we really are.

 I was carrying decades’, lifetimes’, worth baggage. I was ugly, small, unloved, abandoned, forced to lead a life I didn’t want to and not worthy of living. These were beliefs I held onto even when there wasn’t a shred of truth to them.

 But that’s how powerful our thoughts are – they create a story and the story becomes our truth.

 Therapy helped me let go of many of these beliefs.

And that’s the key point of this article: if we are to see a new version of ourselves, we must let go of the old version.

 Shalini will find her happily-ever-after because she lets go of the belief that she is ugly and not worthy of love. Of this, I am 100% sure.

 Because darkness disappears only when we are willing to switch on the light.

Are you willing to turn your light on?

When you do, you’ll find that you’ve unlocked your full potential because self-work isn’t a natural talent, like chess or singing. It requires work, hard work to face ourselves and become somebody better.

This is one area where hard work beats talent, over and over – and when you finally see the result, it’ll be more magnificent than anything you could have ever imagined.